staying adventurous

this week's slowly crawling its way towards the christmas holiday and i find myself caught in the flux of having the most satisfying thoughts of having a work-free week to having a mix of deflating emotions while assessing what i've accomplished and lived this year.

i'm coming to the crushing realization that at my current age, i am the most fearful in my life than i have ever been. in what way? i've become most aware of my limitations and my actions have become much more measured - all in attempts to learn from my past mistakes and to make my decisions wisely. my life is abundant, not short of things to be curious about, people to love and ideas to invest myself. but at the end of 2009, i feel that i've failed miserably at many (many many) that i've touched within it.

how do i come to terms with the fact that sometimes my best is not enough?

this isn't a pity-me post but rather my humble acknowledgment that i'm starting to get it now. i'm starting to understand that even after putting in our best, our hearts might still break, we may break hearts, our debts might not be paid in full, we may still have unfinished projects - or projects that we've butchered altogether for that matter - all in our own good attempts to make it wonderful.

as much as i want to beat my chest and mope at how confused i am with my mindful living, i'm just going to stop and chill out.... let myself rest until i have the courage to go for it again - to love deeply the people around me and the pursuit of my dreams - even if everything tells me to be more fearful.

so, how do i come to terms with the fact that sometimes my best is not enough? accepting that i can only contribute so much and knowing that i pushed myself to my limit through every circumstance. yup, i gave 2009 a good wrestle. this little lady here braved the adventure.

illustration: mike perry.

five things

a quick jot about the things i'm thankful for this morning: the basics.

1. my parents and their quirky ways of showing me how much they love me just as i am. i don't need to prove, impress, say the right things, be at the right places, buy the perfect present, etc. to have their love. it's understood. i get it. but they continue to show me their love for me unabashedly and abundantly. my mother still knocks on my door every morning, asking me if i'd like some coffee to start off my day. i know it may annoy some people, but i know what this means to her. she wants to do whatever she can to help me have a great morning whenever we're together.

2. my health. i say this in an gluttonous note, as i have next to me two bottles of sparkling wine (that i've bought to prepare for this weekend's "staycation" with girlfriends at a local hotel) and while sipping on this hazelnut coffee that is pretty splendid right now. i'm thankful that my health will permit me to enjoy this deliciousness. ha!

3. my home. despite the fact that i complain continuously about how my apartment is falling apart and that it's not quite the aesthetic that i feel comfortable in, i'm glad that i have a roof over my head. i woke up this morning covered perfectly from head to toe with only my head peeking out of my dreamy down comforter, thinking about how luxurious my life is. why don't i ever revel in the fact that my daily life is nothing short of its basics needs? there are over 30,000 homeless people within my city alone struggling with basic necessities. i am privileged.

4. my job. i acknowledge that it's definitely a tumultuous time for the job market right now and though i am very thankful for the fact that i have a job, i am most grateful for the fact that where i am is not the end. at age 27, i have what was my dream job at age 20 (i boast, but mostly am amazed), producing beautiful and smart visuals. i love how my job will allow me to stay curious and i can explore where else this role can take me and how else i can add value to the industry. as i was looking at the myriad of meetings scheduled for today, i remembered this ever-evolving opportunity.

5. my bestfriend miri. my most loyal friend. she never fails to speak to me about what she sees in me, as we share with each other our insecurities and our crazy ideas. she doesn't speak to me as if she's trying to impress me and i don't feel the need to impress her. we believe in each other and accept each other just as we are. this is cheesy, but she's the sister i never had! heh heh. i remembered how grateful i am to be her friend, as she told me this morning how much she loves my quirky tendencies. she adores me. (blush)

ready for the show

some friends and i decided to have an "orphan's thankgiving" this year, for those of us who for whatever reason can't or will not be spending this day with family.

the number of attendees has gotten quite large and the menu is getting significant. it's gonna be tasty times, folks. everything from citrus brined slow cooked turkey to green beans casserole. of course, i will be bringing the treasured dan ackroyd signed bottle of dan ackroyd cabernet that i've been waiting to open on a special occasion.

my main contribution to the menu, though, is going to be "smoked sausage and parmesan cheese stuffing" and as i've JUST finished cooking it and wrapping it up for tomorrow, i am happy to share with you some photos. enjoy! i'll let you know how it's received.... happy thanksgiving :)


gotta slice the crust off


12 cups worth of bread cubes


peel off tubing of smoked sausage meat, cook it real good with olive oil and mix it in with bread


sautee onions until they are browned and add plenty of rosemary and thyme


there are lots of herbs in this stuffing! can't forget the parsley.


lots of parmesan, too. 1.5 lbs worth.


mix, mix, mix.


i added currents to one half of the pan and left it out for the other half. not everybody is a fan of cranberries.


love my cute stove. bake it, girl!


after baking for forty minutes, add another layer of parmesan and bake again. more cheese can't hurt.

duh.


and voila! cover and reheat before serving.

(three illustrations: lucy vigrass)

relax

oh man, it's nice to lay on my bed right now, propped up by my perfectly puffed up pillows. with my laptop set up on my lap, i'll surf surf surf the web, reading my favorite pubs, my blogs, my website subscriptions in my paw printed pjs and... veg.

it's strange that this is now my regular way of relaxing and vegging: information surfing. it's nice being connected to the world wide web, right? with just one meaningless search, you can spend hours devouring information. maybe i'll start off reading up on the latest news on my homepage, then drift off into reviewing the latest trailers on rotten tomatoes. wait, who was that one actress? search imdb for some deets, then read the superficial for some celebrity laughs. i'll go through the list of other blogs i'm following on my google reader. i may also reference wikipedia to look up so-and-so's complete works while i wait for my hulu or netflix queue to upload. i'll, of course, be checking my email simultaneously, too, only to be linked to another url sent to me by a friend who is both gchating and AIMing me about an art gallery opening the next day. how do i get there? i look up google-maps. then.... this goes on for a few hours. yup, you get the drift. this is my mind at rest, a busy feeding session.

and so i have the occasional desperate yearning for solitude or for specific activities like playing my piano, guitar, drawing or running.

lately, hiking has been good for me. this one mountain i've been hiking the past few weeks kicks my ass every time and though i'm forced to exert myself physically, my mind is... at ease. i'll grunt and complain all the way up to the top, too, with my sleeves rolled up and sweat dripping off my nose. i will be the one marked with the beautiful armpit, neck and back sweat stain on the trail. it's basically gross. but it's perfect and simple.... quiet. a break from all this information.

illustraton: kate miller.

sometimes, we take away to gain

the past few weeks has been in the least an adventure for me and can be most appropriately described as having been a period of re-anchoring myself. i'm an optimistic person but even in that, i also accept that living this life can be like sitting on a paddle boat out in the ocean with no anchor to secure us. we feel unprepared, anxious and feel as though we can drift further and further away as time goes. sometimes, our daily lives feel like a frustrating game where our options are defined by our limitations: how clearly can you see, how far can you reach, what does your resume consist of, can you afford to quit your job and so on. we're in a constant state of exhaustion where sleeping is just a pause button for our anxiousness and waking is just a continuation of it. we are easily swept away not only by the uncontrollable circumstances that face us and the important decisions we must make, but even by the regular encounters we have in our lives: the monotony that are the habits, the people and the activities that book our calendars. sometimes it feels like there is very little anchoring us... tossing and turning as the waves come. and so, it was one of those stormy, frustrating seasons where everything - my mind, my body, my heart - was an exhausting stretch and i needed a rest, my anchor.

as a tool to keep me focused on the important things - which i'd defined for myself - i had taken on the lifestyle of removing both red meat and alcohol from my diet for forty days. this was inspired by a story i first heard in sunday school growing up. in the old testament, daniel fasted "choiced food" while praying for clarity and insight. i remembered this story and decided that this is what i wanted to put my energy into seeking. this came as a befuddling practice for my peers because it's no secret that i am completely enamored of the food/dining experience... obsessed heh. why would i deprive myself? i could also see how removing these items from my meals could easily be assumed as some diet-inspired practice. is she on a health craze? though that was certainly a benefit, that wasn't my motive. i chose to take away something that had a big presence in my life to remind me deeply and with breadth to focus. and so at every single meal and outing, i was impacted by the absence of meat and alcohol, and i chose to remember at those times that i was not defined by my circumstances but i will be still and trust the storm would pass.

and now after having gone past my forty day mark, i wanted to share how rewarding this experience was and to note that the storm has passed, indeed. so much of everything has a timeline and i want to continue to be still and be thankful for my blessings today.

(thankful in advance, too, for the mean thanksgiving turkey and holiday cocktails i will be enjoying!!!)

illustration by: alejandro cardenas.

covers

i'm weary of cover songs. but some covers are excellent.

i've already proclaimed my love for the song "pure unevil" but the liars. well... i discovered a cover of that song by atlas sound. and... i must confess tonight is an appropriate night for said song.

thanks, atlas, for being good.

you can get a taste here.

type crush

while catching up on my promos today, i came across photographer anna wolf's direct mailer piece and wanted to profess to the world wide web how i am enamored of her typeface. anna's type is sexy and classsssy... type crush! must. find. font.

then, trying to figure out how to locate details for this font, i found a fun/potentially* useful site to do so: WTF. (also known as what the font). upload a screenshot or any image that contains the lettering and voila... it'll find it for you. * font crush info is still unknown, as what the font could not help me. tears.

here's another photographer who utilizes great icon and type for branding: julia galdo. her website is lovely and her photos are stunning! and in a meeting with her a few months ago, she was just as interesting and endearing as her website represented her to be.

Enjoy Anna Wolf's and Julia Galdo's photos below:

Anna Wolf

Julia Galdo